Why do daughters hate their mothers

Develop and improve products. List of Partners vendors. However, in some cases, people actually do hate their mothers, sometimes for good reason. This can be a difficult situation to be in, because mothers are typically characterized as warm, caring, and nurturing.

People sometimes feel hatred for their mothers if they fail to meet their expectations of what a mother should be, says Sabrina Romanoff , PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University, New York City.

Below, Romanoff unpacks the complex reasons why you might hate your mom. Your mother was once solely responsible for your vitality and responded to your every need. Therefore, we hold intense bonds with our mothers. That intensity often impedes our ability to view our mothers as humans, along with the flaws and damage that correspond with that.

Relationships with mothers are often complicated. Moreover, hate is complicated and is usually reserved for people who we have diversified feelings towards. In other words, it is much easier to accept a flawed person when we have a minimal history with them or don't have to rely on them.

So, if your mother always behaved abusively and treated you horribly, you likely would not hold discord in your view of her. As a result, it might be easier to accept her as she is and sever all contact.

The problem is that mothers, like all humans, are imperfect. Meaning that they have good and bad qualities. Our experience of them depends on both the magnitude of their flaws and also on our ability and capacity to accept their mistakes and faults. If your mother was abusive , if you struggle to accept her shortcomings, or more commonly, if she was inconsistent in her treatment of you or to others, you likely will have an adverse reaction each time she violates your expectations of her.

Inconsistent parents change their minds often, don't make strong decisions, lack structure, and don't engage with their kids in a predictable way. If your mother was inconsistent in her parenting, you may have trouble believing that she is reliable or predictable.

God recognizes that even mothers can forsake their instincts to protect and love their child, but He reassures us that He never forgets. He knows everything about us, even the number of hairs on our head Matthew He sees us.

Knows us. Understands us. My saving grace out of depression, self-cutting, the awful relationship with my mom was finding Jesus. He saved my life and with time, healed the layers upon layers of wounds. If you are not familiar with Jesus, please read, Who is Jesus? I have to admit that if you are still at home and the arrows keep coming, it is hard to forgive.

But forgiveness is not about letting the other person off the hook. It is for you. It can even lead to health problems or worsen existing conditions. It is that toxic for your body and your soul. To get to a place where you can forgive, it helps to take a step back and try to see the bigger picture. That helped me see my mom from a different light and soften my feelings, emotions, and reactions to her. Here are few things I would like for you to consider.

At 13, when I held a deep-seated loathing for my own mother, I could not possibly understand how difficult it was to be a mother. Fast-forward several decades later, as I held my first child, I instantly became terrified and felt utterly inadequate and I am by nature a very self-confident person. As a mom, you are constantly making mistakes because you are trying to find the balance between protecting your children, raising them to be godly, providing for their needs, and taking care of yourself in the process so you do not waste away.

Know that it is super hard and yes, many times as frustrations build we take it out on our kids. We are soooooooo imperfect. We may try to deny it in front of our kids, but we know it.

Practical Tip: Pull out a notebook and write all the things your mom does for you, your family, and all of her responsibilities work, chores, financial, etc.

Use this to gain a deeper appreciation of the burdens your mother has to carry and how the stress can affect her reactions to you. Because she never had an example of a good mother. What I lived through with my mom paled in comparison with what my own mother lived with hers. It was awful, sinful, and downright rotten. She was utterly rejected by her own mom, used only for her artistic talents, and was intentionally pushed into harmful, traumatic situations.

No child should ever suffer what my mom did, but she did. So by the time I came along, could I blame her for not having a reference a point to work from? My mother was such a wounded soul and most of her treatment of me came out of her own reactions to her wounds, pains, and traumas that lingered into adulthood. This article opened new understanding to the mother-daughter challenges based on sociocultural environment and denied needs.

Understanding and accepting generational, cultural variances could inform increased power in the voice of women in society. Thanks Nicolette for sharing. What you say is so important! I was talking about this very issue last week with my students. As counselors and as women we need to address how society silences our voices. I am the mother of four daughters, who, after 37 years divorced my abusive, patriarchy soaked and abusive husband.

The final straw that broke the camels back in our marriage after so many abusive years? It was the sick and twisted way my now ex, shameless turned all his affection and approval and pandering for his own selfish needs to be met toward our pubesent, at the time, daughters after he created such abuse on me, who would no longer stand for it.

One of the few articles to actually name the problem, which mothers come to know all too well, patriarchy. Husbands and fathers encourage and instigate the conflict when expecting their needs to be met above all others.

That too is sickening. The shortage of men caused by war at home or abroad make them a scacrer commidity, along with their earning power and strength and breeds this contemptious attitude that, therefore, these remaining men must be served and catered to regardless of the relationship casualties. The mother daughter relationship is one of the first. In short, it works. If their feelings are quashed by their husband, I would argue that they are still subject to patriarchy.

Just a double-standard, which I would think is even more stressful. I come from an Italian background and the double standards for being both beautiful and well-educated are absurd. I have tried to reconnect with my daughter including seeing her psychiatrist to gain insight without much success. Please share some light , I want heal my relationship with my daughter.

Always had the impression we were friends, travel pals and I her cheerleader. I push for her performance at school and this always was the achilles heels in our relationship. When she showed lack of self esteem, I encouraged to get into sports and although true that I insisted she remained, when she wanted out of the team.

She was good at it and I explained the benefits of team building and physical exercise in her future. When I had accomplishments at work, I brought the news home to celebrate.

She has always been very competitive with me, a habit my attempts to discourage prove unsuccessful. She struggles making friends and befriended a group that was into smoking when entering high school.

I put her with a counselor, just to remove her after two sessions, when I found the counselor advised she should not tell me everything as per my daughter. A year after, I found out she has attempted against her life and resents me for her lack of self worth and that she never considered herself close to me. She also feels my accomplishments put pressure on her and what she can achieve in life.

She is in therapy again, but I think, perhaps we should attend mother-daugther therapy. Really interesting. My mother has followed her mother in terms of doing nothing. Looking back my grandmother smoked, watched TV, had a shockingly poor diet whilst my Grandad pampered to every need and whim. Our kids got huge scholarships to college and frequently are the most character filled people in the room they are in. You can choose this and many other options. You are the parent and your kids are your most important responsibility.

So what is to be done about daughters with mommy issues? Daughters with mommy issues have negative feelings about their mothers. Sometimes this is because daughters feel competitive with their moms. It may also stem from feeling insecure regarding parental love. Instead of passing on unhealthy patterns and habits, parents should strive to pass on positive behaviors and practices. Many times daughters will go through temporary though sometimes years long rebellious periods when they consider themselves better, smarter, or more capable than their mothers.

Mothers need to demand respect in these situations and be ready with small, incremental consequences if disrespect rears its head. These must also be followed through with at all costs. After a daughter disrespects her parents a few times and is met with immediate consequences, these instances will be come less and less frequent. It will take some effort in the beginning, but future you will greatly appreciate it.

To see more about how we have used and taught family discipline, check out our Peaceful Home Parenting Video Course. To sum it all up, daughters who hate their mothers are often products of homes with unclear roles and boundaries. To fix this, parents need to work together.